FROM MASKING TO BELONGING: Building Classrooms That Regulate and Restore

In classrooms shaped by standardization and speed, many students—especially neurodivergent ones—find themselves in a constant state of survival. Their nervous systems are working overtime to manage invisible stressors that rarely show up on lesson plans but always show up in behavior, disengagement, or shutdown.

And sometimes, it doesn’t show up at all—not in ways adults can easily see. Because some children learn to mask.

Masking is the act of hiding one’s natural responses, stimming behaviors, emotional needs, or social instincts in order to “pass” as neurotypical. For many neurodivergent children, especially those socialized to be quiet, helpful, or “good,” masking becomes a survival strategy. But it comes at a cost—exhaustion, anxiety, loss of identity, and in many cases, the invisibilization of unmet needs. A child who appears calm may actually be in distress. A student who gets praise for their focus might be holding themselves in a rigid, unsustainable state of performance.

To truly support neurodiversity, we must move beyond compliance-driven systems and toward classrooms that honor the full range of human nervous systems. This is where the Self-Reg framework developed by Dr. Stuart Shanker becomes transformative.

Self-Reg invites us to identify and reduce stress across five interrelated domains:

• Biological: stress in the body, including sensory sensitivity, sleep, hunger, and movement needs

• Emotional: difficulty recognizing, expressing, or managing big feelings

• Cognitive: mental overload from task demands, transitions, or executive functioning challenges

• Social: navigating peer dynamics, group expectations, and interpersonal cues

• Prosocial: the stress that can arise from caring deeply for others, often without boundaries or support

When we understand these domains, we begin to ask different questions—not “Why is this child acting out?” but “What’s happening beneath the surface?” We start to see behavior as communication. And we move from reacting to co-regulating, from enforcing sameness to embracing difference.

At the Neurodiversity Education Academy, we believe that inclusion begins with attunement. And Self-Reg offers a relational, compassionate, and evidence-informed approach to building environments where every student can feel safe enough to learn, connect, and thrive—not by masking who they are, but by being met in their full expression.

1. Biological Domain

What this can look like in the classroom:

• Fidgeting, restlessness, or constant movement

• Slouched posture, yawning, or zoning out

• Avoidance of sensory-triggering activities (e.g., art class, gym)

• Irritability after lunch, during transitions, or at certain times of day

Common stressors:

• Fluorescent lighting, loud environments, crowded hallways

• Hunger, thirst, or irregular routines

• Illness or fatigue

• Sensory overload from sounds, textures, smells, or clothing

How to support:

• Create quiet corners or sensory-friendly zones in the classroom

• Offer movement breaks and fidgets without shame

• Let students eat or drink when needed, not just at scheduled times

• Offer noise-canceling headphones or sunglasses for sensory support

  
  

  

  
  

2. Emotional Domain

What this can look like in the classroom:

• Emotional outbursts or crying

• Withdrawing or refusing to participate

• Overreacting to minor setbacks or corrections

• Perfectionism or fear of making mistakes

Common stressors:

• Fear of judgment or failure

• Emotional masking to fit in

• Lack of emotional vocabulary or safe spaces to express feelings

• Unprocessed experiences from outside of school (e.g., trauma, grief)

How to support:

• Greet students with warmth and presence—small connections build trust

• Normalize all feelings (not just “happy”) through books, visuals, and conversations

• Use co-regulation before redirection—regulate first, then teach

• Teach emotional literacy explicitly: “Name it to tame it”

3. Cognitive Domain

What this can look like in the classroom:

• Difficulty starting or finishing tasks

• Appearing “lazy” or unmotivated (often signs of overwhelm)

• Struggling with transitions or changes in routine

• Repeatedly asking for instructions or losing track of steps

Common stressors:

• Tasks that are too abstract, too long, or too vague

• Executive functioning challenges (e.g., planning, memory, task-switching)

• Lack of clarity or too much input at once

• Overwhelm from multitasking demands

How to support:

• Use visual schedules and chunk tasks into smaller steps

• Give extra processing time and reduce time pressure

• Offer multiple means of engagement and expression (UDL principles)

• Celebrate effort and persistence, not just correctness

4. Social Domain

What this can look like in the classroom:

• Struggles during group work, recess, or unstructured time

• Misreading social cues or having “big reactions” in peer conflict

• Isolation, masking, or mimicry to fit in

• Clinginess or fear of rejection

Common stressors:

• Navigating group dynamics and unspoken social rules

• Sensory overwhelm in social spaces

• Peer rejection or bullying

• Inflexible social expectations (e.g., forced eye contact, turn-taking pressure)

How to support:

• Provide options for solo or parallel play during social activities

• Explicitly teach social scripts and offer social stories or visuals

• Honor different communication styles (e.g., AAC, gestures, silence)

• Ensure every child has access to a sense of belonging—not just friendship

5. Prosocial Domain

What this can look like in the classroom:

• Taking on others’ emotions or “over-helping”

• Feeling responsible for classmates’ moods or outcomes

• Guilt when things go wrong

• Over-identifying with others’ pain, leading to emotional exhaustion

Common stressors:

• Pressure to be “the good kid” or classroom helper

• High empathy without boundaries

• Being a peacekeeper in conflict-prone classrooms

• Carrying adult expectations without support

How to support:

• Model and teach boundaries alongside empathy

• De-center the idea of “being good” and focus on “being whole”

• Create space for self-care and autonomy, even in service-based roles

• Offer reflective tools for children to understand what’s theirs to hold and what’s not

  
  

  

  
  

Self-Reg is Not a Behavior Plan—It’s a Way of Seeing

Self-Reg doesn’t ask us to fix children. It asks us to see them—through the lens of stress, capacity, and relational safety. Especially for neurodivergent learners, who often carry sensory, emotional, and cognitive loads invisibly, this lens becomes liberation.

A Self-Reg-informed classroom is one where students learn how to understand their internal states, advocate for what they need, and grow their capacity—not through punishment, but through presence, predictability, and care.

From Stress to Support: A Collective Responsibility

When we center regulation in schools, we create space for equity. We acknowledge that not every child enters the classroom with the same energy reserves, experiences, or nervous system wiring. And we move from enforcing sameness to honoring difference.

At the Neurodiversity Education Academy, we believe that when we meet dysregulation with curiosity—and hold space instead of judgment—we transform classrooms into places of healing and growth.

Because when a child feels safe enough to be fully themselves, learning isn’t just possible—it becomes joyful.